Helping your child manage transitions
Children don't have all the tools to manage big feelings and change—we can help
The move from primary to secondary school is a significant milestone in a child's life, often filled with a mix of excitement and apprehension. For parents, it can be a time of both pride and worry. But fear not, with a little preparation and understanding, this transition can be a positive and enriching experience for both you and your child.
Understanding Your Child's Concerns
It's natural for children to feel anxious about starting secondary school. The larger buildings, bigger playgrounds, new teachers, and unfamiliar routines can be overwhelming. Some common concerns include:
Making new friends: The thought of leaving behind familiar classmates and forming new friendships can be daunting.
Academic pressure: The increased workload and expectations in secondary school can be intimidating.
Getting lost: The larger school building with multiple classrooms and unfamiliar routes can cause anxiety.
Talking and Preparing for Change
Open communication is key. Talk to your child about their concerns and anxieties. Share your own experiences of starting secondary school, highlighting the positive aspects and the friendships you made. Do this in such a way that centres their experience rather than your own. Don’t rush to make your experience worse to comfort them—”in my day, we…—as this can make them feel unheard and alienated.
Validate their feelings and offer reassurance, tell them that what they are talking about sounds really hard. Thank them for telling you that—don’t rush to make it better by saying “of course you’ll make loads of friends..” because this can feel like you don’t get it.
Explore their fears: Are they afraid they won’t make friends? Ask them what makes them think that. Be curious. Has this happened in the past? If it didn’t, might it happen now? Help them navigate this decision-making for themselves, so they feel empowered.
Make a list of their worries: Ask them if you think there are any that you can rule out sooner. The following might give some ideas.
Visit the school: Attend open evenings or induction days to familiarise your child with the school building, classrooms, and key areas like the library and cafeteria.
Meet the teachers: Introduce your child to their teachers and form a positive relationship. Empower your child to ask the teacher questions they might have—you won’t always be alongside them.
Practise the route: If your child will be walking or cycling to school, practise the route together to build confidence. They might get the bus, what’s the route? If the bus runs on non-school days, practice during the holidays.
Organise school supplies: Ensure your child has all the necessary school supplies, including textbooks, stationery, and uniforms. The teachers can help with this—your child might even have some ideas.
Establish routines: Set regular routines for homework, studying, and bedtime to ease the adjustment to a busier schedule.
Supporting Your Child Through the Transition
Be patient and understanding: The adjustment to secondary school takes time. Be patient with your child as they navigate new routines and challenges. Resist the urge to scold when they inevitably get things wrong, or when they are emotionally dysregulated. If they are angry, it’s likely not about you even when it feels like it.
Celebrate small victories: Acknowledge and celebrate your child's achievements, no matter how small. They did well on their homework? They made a friend? They managed the bus alone? Great!
Stay involved: Maintain communication with your child's teachers and attend parents' evenings to stay informed about their progress. A lot of schools have apps now you can use. Try not to hover so your child feels you won’t be overly involved in school. By now, they know they can talk to you if they need to. Where they do need support, ask them what they think that might be or what is difficult for them. Don’t rush to solutions.
Encourage extracurricular activities: Joining clubs or sports teams can help your child make new friends and build confidence. If your school doesn’t have any, check what your Local Authority offers for them.
Foster independence: Encourage your child to take responsibility for their schoolwork and organisation.
Remember, the move to secondary school is a journey. With your love, support, and guidance, your child can successfully navigate this exciting new chapter in their life.
Can you help me?
Absolutely! I work with low-level anxiety in children all the time, and support a number of my own clients through big transitions, instilling in them the resilience and the tools to navigate things on their own—and encouraging the interdependence to tell somebody when they need help. The skills every child needs. I take an integrative coaching approach informed by psychological methodologies, and adjust them for different age-ranges, incorporating play-based and art-based tools.
As a parent, I can advise you on how to do these interventions yourself, or we can just talk this through.
Please get in touch:
Final thoughts
You won’t get it right right away. You might struggle to see your child in any sort of turmoil. Remember that this is a part of growing up for them—and for you too, as a parent. They are moving towards fledgling independence. Your role is to support them in this, but not to try and take on any and all pain for them. Acknowledge your own difficult feelings when this comes up. Professionals are there to help as well, so don’t feel like you are alone.
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