What is 'the hand model'?
How to use it for big feelings and calmer kids
Does your child seem like a tiny emotional rollercoaster sometimes? Those meltdowns can feel like they come out of nowhere, leaving us wondering what magic trick will calm the storm. But what if there was a simple tool to help your child understand their own feelings, and yours too? That's where the Hand Model of the Brain comes in! ✋
This concept was created by the brilliant Dr. Dan Siegel. It is like a secret weapon for navigating the wild world of emotions. Imagine your hand is your brain. The palm is your downstairs brain, where all the big feelings like anger, sadness, and excitement live. It's kind of like a party down there sometimes! The fingers are your upstairs brain, the thinking part that helps you reason and stay calm. Just like your hand, it is all linked and not everything is always in control at any one time, but all are related. Following? No? Okay, so here is your/your child’s brain and it is helpfully mapped to The Hand Model:
When your child is having a meltdown (or you are…), their downstairs brain is throwing a tantrum. It's all those big feelings taking over—it’s in control! The good news is, their upstairs brain (those handy fingers) can still help, even if it feels buried under a mountain of emotions.
Right okay, but what do I actually do with this knowledge?
But how can YOU use the Hand Model to be a superhero for your little one? Here are some tricks for when the lid is flipped, and for helping keep that sucker down:
Explore the Hand Model: Get down to your child's level and make it fun! Draw a picture of a hand, or use a toy with fingers. Explain that everyone has an upstairs and downstairs brain, just like this hand. Dr. Siegel calls them the "thinking brain" and the "feeling brain."
Be the brain detectives: When your child is calm, practice using the Hand Model together. Ask them, "Is your upstairs brain or downstairs brain in charge right now?" This helps them recognize their own emotions and understand why they might be feeling a certain way. If you created a picture, like in step one, maybe revisit that as a further prompt.
Use calming techniques: Once you know which brain is in charge, you can help your child use their upstairs brain to calm down. This might be deep breaths, counting to ten, or giving them a big cuddle. These are all great tools for this! The Hand Model helps you explain why these techniques work. They give the upstairs brain a chance to regain control.
Soothing words and gentle touch: Speak softly and reassuringly, using a calm tone of voice. A gentle cuddle or pat on the back can work wonders too.
Healthy coping mechanisms: Help them find healthy ways to deal with those emotions, whether it's talking to a friend, playing a sport they love, or listening to some calming music.
Choice is good: Whenever you can, give your child choices. This helps them feel like they have some control over their world, which is important for emotional development.
Sounds good, but what is the science behind this? Are you making it up?
Co-regulation is a fancy term for how parents help their little ones learn to manage tricky emotions. It's like a bit of a dance where you guide them to calm down and find healthy ways to deal with what's bubbling up inside. As they get older, they'll eventually be able to self-regulate, which means calming themselves down without needing a grown-up on hand. This is a long process though—being able to effectively co-regulate with them helps. But here’s the thing—it means as adults caring for children that we need to have mastered that skill for ourselves. Here's how you, as a brilliant parent/carer, teacher, anybody, can be a co-regulation champion:
Keep calm and carry on: When your child's emotions are running high, it's vital to stay calm yourself. If you get flustered too, it can make things even trickier.
Name the game: Help your child recognise what they're feeling. Let them know it's okay to be upset, frustrated, or angry. By putting a name to those emotions, they can start to understand them a bit better, which was a theme that featured heavily in leading psychologist Dorothy Rowe’s work.
Be their rock: Show your child they're not alone. Let them know you're there for them, no matter what. A big hug (if that's what they need) can go a long way.
Boundaries are brilliant: Even in the midst of a meltdown, boundaries are important. Professor Penelope Leach, a child development authority, highlights, that setting clear limits helps them learn to control their behaviour. All feelings are okay, but that does not mean that all behaviours are okay.
Be a shining example: Remember, children learn a lot by watching the grown-ups around them. So be a positive role model! Show them how to manage your own emotions in a healthy way (think along the lines of what Dr. Christopher Green might recommend).
Now, as your little one grows, they can start to develop those self-regulation skills themselves. Co-regulation and self-regulation take time to develop, so be patient with your little one. Celebrate their progress, no matter how small, and remember you're doing a fantastic job!
Can You Help Me?
Definitely.
I am a qualified coach and trainee therapist with experience of working with parents who are struggling to teach (or experience!) emotional regulation, as well as working with young people themselves to help them develop these skills through co-creating their own strategies or learning new skills. I am also in the process of developing my coaching practice further by completing Dr Sarah Temple’s Mindful Emotion Coaching.
Please get in touch:
Final thoughts
These are hard skills to teach, to learn and sometimes to model. It is okay if either you or the young person in your life is struggling. Have a little grace for yourself—and for them—as you navigate this process together. Do not be afraid to seek and ask for professional help if you are struggling. You will be glad you did.
Did you like this post? Think you have a friend who might want to read it?
Make sure you don’t miss any of my other posts: