Help! My Teen Is Stuck On Their Phone

How to help your teen strike a healthy balance with their screen time

The modern world doesn’t make screen-free a realistic ambition really. Teenagers these days need to be connected—whether it is knowing what is happening on Instagram or Snapchat, their school has moved to a digital first homework solution, or online gaming, technology is here to stay.

For this reason, and because a desktop computer can’t fit in the pocket of your jeans, smartphones have been almost omnipresent for teenagers.

That sounds good, I had to walk to a BT Phone box like that advert with the Nintendo Gameboy

That’s true. And so, it is not all bad—but it is not a clear picture either way. The current research indicates that passive social media usage positively correlates with anxiety—that does not mean that we know it is the cause, but we might infer that the two happening at the same time indicates a relationship. Given that the average teenager now uses their phone for around 9 hours a day, you can also assume a lot of it is passive. See where I’m going?

To help teenagers create a more balanced relationship with technology, as professionals and care givers, we need to understand why teenagers are so glued to their screens. Once we get that, we can start to explore strategies which will help them navigate the digital landscape mindfully and balance it with their non-digital landscape.

So why are they using their phones so much?

1. Social Connection: Adolescence is a period in which social development accelerates. As does independence. For this reason, smartphones offer a gateway to being constantly connected with their peers. For adults who did not live in that world, it might be confusing as to why this is a good thing. For many teenagers, their phones serve as a lifeline to maintain their friendships, share their experiences, and seek validation of their peers. The fear of missing out (FOMO) can drive compulsive checking of notifications and feeds, perpetuating a cycle of constant engagement. This becomes self-reinforcing as the potential ‘hit’ of that engagement or notification drives the behaviour.

2. Escape and Entertainment: It is not a secret that the world is much more full of academic pressure for today’s teens. There are fewer opportunities for those who do not do well at school. Subsequent government reforms in pursuit of ‘academic rigour’, Oftsed inspections and league tables have put schools in a difficult position to be nurturing environments for teenagers. When this not happening, teens find themselves with extracurriculars to balance, and expectations from their families—smartphones provide an escape from this. On your smartphone now, you can game, watch videos, or scroll endlessly. It’s a perfect place where you can be somewhere else absolutely anywhere. Teens turn to devices as a form of entertainment and stress relief. The instant gratification offered by digital distractions can offer some respite from the real world.

3. Identity Exploration: Adolescence is a period of self-discovery. You get to figure out who you are and form a cohesive identity independent of your parents and other pressures—and understanding the pressures that work against this. Social media platforms serve as virtual stages for self-expression. They also serve as ways of exploring other ways of being—finding other teens that might belong to the LGBT+ community, as an example, to see if that identity fits in a risk-free way from the safety of home. In addition, teenagers can spend hours crafting their online personas, cultivating an idealised version of themselves—one that is rewarded with likes, comments, and followers. Being virtually popular, and needing to maintain an ideal online image to do this, can fuel excessive screen time as they navigate the complexities of identity in the digital age.

4. Information and Education: Basically everything humans know can know be found on Google. It no longer needs a trip to the library—smartphones have forever changed the way teenagers access knowledge. From educational apps to online tutorials, even schools have crept in on the agenda. Smartphones now serve as invaluable tools for learning and academic enrichment which cannot be opted out of. However, the boundary between productive learning and the other kind can blur. This could lead to unintentional time sinks on non-educational content. It can also be that teenagers are again using this fountain of knowledge in service of their identity exploration.

5. Emotional Regulation: Teenage years are characterised by hormonal fluctuations and emotional volatility. Smartphones can offer a sense of comfort and companionship during moments of distress. For some, this will be seeking solace in social media. For this reason, teenagers may rely on their phones as coping mechanisms to navigate the tumultuous terrain of adolescence.

What can I do?

Getting your head around these underlying motivations can inform our approach to helping teenagers develop healthier habits with their phones. Here are some strategies that you might find useful:

1. Validate Emotions: Start by acknowledging the emotional complexities that drive excessive phone usage and provide alternative coping mechanisms for managing stress and anxiety. When your teen is telling you about how they feel they have to be on their phone, think about what you read above—listen without judging, or providing a solution. Say you understand, and tell them whether they think there might be downsides.

2. Encourage Offline Connection: You can help by fostering opportunities for meaningful face-to-face interactions and offline activities that fulfil teenagers' social needs and promote genuine connections. With a lot of local authority youth clubs disappearing, finding that might be harder than previously with a lot of provision now reliant on charities. If you are having trouble navigating this, ask for help.

3. Promote Digital and Emotional Literacy: Educate your teenager about the impact of digital media on their mental health, their privacy, and their self-image, giving them the information they need to think critically and take care of themselves. Starting the conversation openly—or giving some pamphlets for them to review—might give them the space to start a conversation with you if they need to.

4. Address Underlying Issues: Be proactive in addressing underlying issues such as social anxiety, low self-esteem, or academic pressures that may contribute to excessive phone usage. If you don’t know the signs, read some of my previous posts. Be curious about the causes rather than jumping to judgement. Finally, if all else fails, seek professional guidance if necessary to provide targeted support.

Can you help me?

Absolutely. I support young people with adjusting their own habits as an accredited coach, helping them reset their relationship with technology and find balance with other parts of their life.

I also provide parents with coaching around their parenting styles, exploring what is happening for them, and supporting them to support their children.

Please get in touch:

Final thoughts

The modern world has redefined the relationship with technology forever. For young people, the world has never been different. Be compassionate when approaching this and realise that your experience isn’t theirs.

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